Control.

2018

A version of this was first published in print in #4 mous. magazine.

“You’re my little slut aren’t you?” he whispers harshly my ear.

“You’re so fucking sexy and you’re my little slut and your wet, hot pussy is mine” he says.  

No, these aren’t the scripted words from a b grade porno. They’re better. They’re the words from a sexual control fantasy being lived out. From my sexual control fantasy.

I could tell you my return dirty talk, but my answer is less important than the fact that I did answer and felt a hundred percent comfortable doing so. More than comfortable, I felt sexy and safe doing so. So hey, I guess you could take a stab in the dark about what my answer was anyway.

Five years ago this wouldn’t have been possible. Not only would I not have been able to voice the fact that I liked to act out fantasies in which I was controlled in bed, but I wouldn’t have been able to get the words of a dirty talk reply out of my mouth. They would have swelled up and lodged in my throat and stayed forever buried inside me.

I don’t think I’m alone in taking a while to feel comfortable actually being sexy and voicing what I want. Some people get there at 15, some at 28, some at 53, or even 79. 

So, in my case, what changed?

I’m not sure really.

Jokes. This would be a pretty lame piece of writing if I introduced you to this topic and then left you with nothing.

For me, I worked hard at becoming more comfortable with my body (a bit of self-love, a bit of therapy, a bit of just growing up), making an effort to only sleep with people who I feel good with and that encourage sexual exploration (thanks again therapy), and being able to let go of past hurts and not let them affect current relationships – sexual or otherwise (once again, thank yoouuuu therapy). Even with all of these things in play, it took time to get over a fear of being judged for the things I like (by others but also by myself) and feel like I could be 100% fulfilled sexually.

Marriage and Family Therapist Suzy Daren says that my story is not uncommon and that many people she works with have never allowed themselves to fully explore their desires and so don't know what actually turns them on.  

“I think the number one reason that people feel unfulfilled is because they haven’t done their own work in understanding their complete sexual and erotic blueprints,” she says.

“While we have come a long way in the sexual revolution, there is still a great amount of shame and taboo in fully accepting the breadth of what excites and pleasures us.  People don’t realize the extent to which our sexual proclivities are not only healthy and normal, but have the ability to awaken very intelligent, creative and compassionate parts of ourselves.”

Certified Clinical Sexoligist Randi Levinson agrees with this notion of fear of shame and says that a lot of people she works with are terrified of being judged and rejected for something that is so integral to who they are at the core of their being.

“Our sexual expression is the deepest aspect of who we are, and when we feel shame about a part of our sexuality, we feel shame about who we are as a human being,” she says.

“There are fears around being too weird or kinky because perhaps they have tried to express their sexual desires to someone that has shamed them and thought they were sick for wanting something ‘different’. [Society has] pathologized sexual behaviour, diagnosed sexuality as a sickness or a problem, therefore making people think they are mentally ill.”

Hearing this from both Daren and Levinson struck a chord with me. Not long ago, not only hadn’t I known the depth of what I liked, and had to work up to feeling comfortable exploring that, but when I began to finally work it out, I felt unsure of who it was “safe” to voice this to – would someone think I was weird for the things I wanted? Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t all bad sex for fifteen plus years, there was plenty of good stuff; along the way I experimented with different partners and picked up a few things I enjoyed. But I can still remember the first time I actually spoke up and told someone what I liked.

My love-sex-lust-interest at the time was finding it frustrating that he couldn’t make me cum and he wasn’t sure what would help if I didn’t speak up about what I liked. Now let’s put aside for a minute here the fact of his hurt masculinity for not being able to make a girl cum, he’s not the villain in this story I swear. Giving him the benefit of the doubt I texted off a couple of things I knew I liked but that I hadn’t known how to ask for with him – like honestly, when is the best time to bring this stuff up really, and how? ‘Oh by the way, I’d really like it if you stuck a finger or two up my ass. Can you pass the salt?’ Cut to an hour later and we were both orgasming on my back lawn as the sun came up. Quilt down for grass rash protection of course.

The combination of the power I felt at voicing (even through text) what I wanted and having someone outright ask and genuinely care about the response – and have them follow through – was empowering and something that at 27, I hadn’t felt before.

Daren says this shyness when it comes to speaking up is common among many people and that more often than not she has to be the one to raise these topics with her clients, even if they are happy to talk openly about every other aspect of their relationship.

“People underestimate how important it is for the health of their relationships to have regular open dialogue about sex, along with mutual exploration of sexual pleasure.  I am amazed by how many couples couldn’t even tell you about their partner's fantasies and deepest desires,” she said.

Asking for what I wanted over text was like a “gateway drug” for me for feeling free to explore sexually. Coincidentally (or maybe not so coincidentally really now I think about it) he was the first person I tried exploring acts of control fantasies with.  But even now, there is a small part of me that still feels like I am being anti-feminist by wanting to be controlled in bed. It can feel like it goes against every other aspect of feminism. Here I was fighting to be taken seriously at work, to be paid the same as a male my age, to have my opinions given the same weight as everyone else around me, and simultaneously wanting someone to pin me down, tell me they owned me and that I had no choice over what was about to happen with my naked body. At times, it has felt hard to reconcile the two.

Levinson says she has seen this particular problem before in many of her clients, regardless of the gender. Speaking about a heterosexual couple that haven’t had sex in over two years, she says,

“The husband felt ashamed about who he was and what he wanted sexually. He thought that being dominant in sex meant that he was anti-feminist and a woman hater, which he wasn’t. He was ashamed to tell his wife in fear of her reaction. He was also afraid to admit the desires to me in fear of judgment and perhaps he thought he was a ‘bad horrible person’.”

So I’m not alone then. Phew.

Both Levinson and Daren say there are many other things that can play a role in not being fulfilled sexually, with sexual assault*, body image, and domestic life being chief among them. Speaking about the enormous number of women and men who have been sexually assaulted at some point in their lives, Daren says it is extremely important to acknowledge this.

“Recognising trauma in sexuality is complicated since amongst other traumatic reactions the brain’s pleasure centres get hijacked and confused. Sometimes our fantasies can actually become compensatory and further damaging,” she says.

Levinson also notes that becoming parents can change the dynamic in sex lives, and keeping the erotic alive within the domestic structure can be challenging. Time, children, exhaustion, lack of desire, mid-life issues, post-partum bodies, maintaining a household, cleaning, chores, and the ins and outs of parenting can all strip a couple of sexual energy. She also says that negative body image for women is another common thing she sees with her clients.

“It is very difficult for them to be in the moment and experience pleasure because they are more concerned with how they look, and not being happy with how they look. It is very challenging for them to enjoy and receive pleasure because one has to let go the thoughts they have and arrive in their body to experience the sensations of pleasure.”

So what do they both say can help with all of these issues?

Levinson says that talking can help.

“Allowing yourself to be witnessed by a nonjudgmental professional while expressing shame, fear, fantasies and desires etcetera is a very powerful tool,” she says. She couples this with techniques and lessons in communication, and home assignments.

Daren is all about those home assignments and says she often advises people to start with self-exploration.

“Use your mind and all of your senses to see what elicits sexual excitement.  The right kind of feminist pornography can be helpful to widen your knowledge of what’s out there. Then, once you better understand your own desires, dialogue with friends and eventually dalliances with other human(s) will continue to expand your sexual self-knowledge,” she says.

While I’ve done a lot of work in the past few years to get here, her final comments really help me fully appreciate my sexual wants and needs as part of my whole self. While explaining that not every fantasy we ever have needs to be explored physically, she says it is important that every part of our erotic desires be explored in order to honour our lives through sex and sexuality.   

“People deserve to understand their unique expression of sexuality as a vital source of creativity, joy, compassion, intelligence and more,” she says.

I’ll drink to that.

*If readers have any history of sexual trauma or abuse, it is extremely important to seek professional help.  

Suzy Daren is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Certified Yoga Therapist. She has been practicing for 11 years and works out of Brooklyn, NY. She can work with clients face-to-face, on the phone or via Skype, and can be contacted on suzydaren@gmail.com and her website is www.suzydaren.com

Randi Levinson (M.S., CSC) is a Certified Clinical Sexologist and has been practising for 10 years. She has offices in Dayton and Columbus, Ohio, but works with clients all over the world through video and phone consultations. She can be contacted on info@randilevinson.com and you can find out more about her through her website www.randilevinson.com