Photo by Jakub Dziubak on Unsplash

Welcome back to Hannah's dating life, where once again all of these stories are very late, some a year or more ago. Fun fact though: three of these men are virgos, and I really don't think I had had sex with or dated a virgo before New York (please let me know if I’m wrong and we’ve had sex and you’re a virgo). Bonus points if you guess which three.

Going-through-a-divorce Guy
Going-through-a-divorce Guy was totally lovely, but we stopped dating for the obvious reason – he was going through a divorce. We’ve managed to keep a solid social media friendship since (“social media friendship” … that’s a real thing now) and maybe he will be reading this. If so, hi!

The Older Man
The Older Man really wasn’t that interesting, but he was a decent distraction in an otherwise desolate dating period. He was 40, worked in advertising, kinda pretentious, had two kids, and was a bit up himself tbh. We had a few dates, had some snow day sex, and parted ways. Nearly a year later I saw The Older Man waiting in line for the bathroom at a gig I was at with a different crush and some friends. He had a too-trendy hair cut, the one that is the under cut with the bowl cut on top (you know the one? Google exactly what I have written and see what pops up. There you go.), and I didn’t feel a thing. Successful dating.

Studying Musician
After being coaxed out on the proviso that I would only have two drinks, I stuck to this two drink rule, even though he was funny, a babe, and interesting. But I was tired and anyone who knows me, knows I value sleep above anything else. So I called it a night, forced a super awkward kiss on him at the subway entrance, gave him my number, and never heard from him again. Unsuccessful dating. 

The Very Tall Man
Very sweet human. But I just wasn’t feeling it. At the end of our third date, he leaned down to kiss me goodbye, and I said “You’re very tall” and he laughed and said “Is that a problem?” and I said “It might be” and then waved goodbye to him forever.

Genuine Artist round four
Well when I wrote in the last blog, “After some more arguing and more sex, finally one morning we walked out of his apartment, his arm around my shoulders with his breakfast broccoli in hand (no idea, don’t ask), and we kissed goodbye, went off to our separate work days, and mutually never contacted each other again” it turns out that I cannot, in fact, predict the future. This reunion came about when there was reports of a man hanging around my fav fried chicken place late at night attacking women, and Genuine Artist contacted me to make sure I was being careful. It ended a couple months later with him angrily telling me he wasn’t going to wait around for me any longer and he had given me enough chances (enough chances to have sex with him, FYI, that's all), blocking me on Instagram when I didn’t respond to him, and then unblocking me six months later. I promptly blocked him back after I saw him watch my story because get fucked if you think I was going to let him creep on my life from afar after all of that.

Lovely Guy
Lovely Guy was just that, really fucking lovely. Cute dates, thoughtful conversations, every day texts, some seriously good eye contact, and the perfect level of PDA (read, not too much, but more than none). Ultimately Lovely Guy had too much personal stuff going on and needed more space than I was willing to give – anyone who knows me, know that as much as I love sleep, I also love near constant communication. We ended up becoming great friends and now we go dancing together. And he’s a great dancer. So, who's the real winner in this situation? Me, it's me. I'm the real winner. 

Bartender Boy
What can I say about Bartender Boy except that we were a woefully bad match in every aspect of our selves, except when in the bedroom? That’s literally the only way to describe it. Inconsistent communicator, a night owl, polyamorous, and far too much a free spirit even for me, this should have been clear from the start it would never work. But the sexual tension, and then the actual sex, was too good, I had to keep it going for a while. He met – and charmed – my roommate and my roommates’ mom and was a super good conversationalist in person, but he was a lesson in showing me what I absolutely need from any situation: regular, consistent, and clear communication. Great sex though, so that’s something.