Photo by Abdullah Öğük on Unsplash

Dating in NYC is a minefield. You will match 20 people for every one that says hello, and chat to ten of them before you decide to meet up with even just one. From there though, the chances you are going to find someone interesting, attractive, smart, and kind after matching with their carefully curated profile, and are going to want to keep hanging out with the person are pretty slim. So you’ll need a way to get out of seeing them again. Fortunately, when you go on as many dates as I do, you  become great at letting people down, or, as it were sometimes, being let down yourself. But don’t worry, you needn’t go on as many dates as I have just to get some break up tools: here I’ve written down a range of ideas that you can choose from. You’re welcome.

Straight ghost.
This is the most simple of the ways to never see them again. When they text, just don’t text back. It’s real simple, but can be surprisingly hard to do. It takes real stamina and nerves of steel. If you can manage this, congratulations.

Fade out ghost.
This is the second most simple of the ways to let someone know you aren’t into them. There are two ways to do a fade out ghost though, so pick carefully according to your personality and the situation:

1. When they text, take longer and longer gaps between replying. Wait a day, then two days, then half a week, finally stretch it out to year. Treat it like a game to see how far you can string out your responses and still keep them writing back to you. What fun!
2. Keep responding in your normal time frame, but just give them one or two word responses for a while, never asking them a question back. Throw in some “haha” and “damn” as your responses for extra points, showing that you’re still engaging with their content without engaging with them.

Hit on someone else in front of them.
This is really a great and creative way to let someone know you aren’t interested. Not only does it allow you to make it clear that you don’t like them, but you also might hit it off with someone brand new! Double points if you hit on their friend in front of them.  

Harass them a lot and then text yell at them.
This one may seem counterintuitive at first, because it will look like you are quite interested in them, what with the near constant texting and invites over and all. But if you do it long enough, you’ll soon get fed up with their inability to satiate your every egotistical desire, and then you’ll end up text-yelling at them, and voila, they’re gone from your life! You can then block them on IG just to make sure, and unblock them around New Years, when everyone is feeling a little reflective and lonely. Make sure to watch their stories when you unblock them, so that they know you’ve gone to the trouble of unblocking them.

Make up a family drama or emergency to account for your absence.
This has the double effect of allowing them to feel sorry for you while still getting you out of dating them. You seem like a good human, who is capable of opening up about your very personal drama, while having a legit reason to never text them again.

Move to another country.
Nothing says not needing to commit like not even sharing the same country code for your cell phone numbers.

Make sure to receive tinder notifications while you are around them.
This has a double bonus of showing how popular are, combined with showing them you’re still definitely interested in meeting other people because they aren’t really that interesting. But how to make sure you get a bunch of tinder notification while you’re around them? Go on a tinder binge (a “tinge” if you will) about three hours before you meet up with them, and the follow through is sure to hit within the appropriate time frame. Gotta leave your phone out on the table though, otherwise that tinge is gonna go to waste.

Have your ex come over and knock on the window while your new beau (or beau for the night) is asleep at your house.
Nothing will have them out of your house and never texting you again faster, I can guarantee it.

Tell them you’re going through a divorce.
Paints you in a very grown up and romantic light (you once loved someone enough to marry them! You are capable of love!) and also allows you to keep your distance / not commit to them. After all, you still got a lot of your own shit to work through.