How is New York? Been on any good tinder dates lately?

So begins half of my conversations with people from home. Not that I mind. Because they are right. I have usually been on some good tinder dates lately. By “good” I mean, with good stories to tell. If they were really good, I probably wouldn’t still be on so many tinder dates would I?

Anyway make a cuppa, get comfortable, and have a read of the latest batch.  Well maybe just an espresso shot, this is a short read, requiring little commitment. Exactly like most of these men.

Also weird note to add, three out of the five guys below all asked me to the same place for our first date. So whoever tells you tinder dating is a great way to see new bars and restaurants, tell them they are wrong.

The fine art photographer

Tinder is alive with photographers: Instagram famous photographers, amateur photographers, semi-pro photographers, professional photographers, lifestyle photographers, pet photographers, street photographers, plant photographers, you name it, there is a type of photographer for it.  The best type is the one who calls himself a fine art photographer.  Of course one of my first questions was, “What exactly is a fine art photographer?” To which he replied, “I spent the day upstate photographing a friend’s mum’s household objects. They are wealthy and have a lot of cool shit”.  There you have it folks, “fine art”, described in one sentence.  The fine art photographer was nice and all, but we never did catch up again, even though he did promise to take me above 14th street on our second date. That's not a euphemism. I just rarely go above 14th street.

The one with a physical turn off that was impossible to get past

This guy was lovely, so lovely. Fun, genuine, up for anything. And he had Childish Gambino hair, which if anyone knows me, knows is a good thing. Also slightly Instagram famous, whatever that means. He reckons he was one of Instagram’s “featured users” back in the day, which is how he got so many followers. Anyway I digress. After a great first date, and great sex, there was just one physical thing about him that I couldn’t get past. It’s superficial of me, and I know it, but it doesn’t change it. I made up reasons not to see him again and ended up ignoring his texts and he knows I write this blog, so maybe he will read this and know why (I’m sorry).  If you can guess the thing I couldn’t get past, I’ll tell you. Otherwise it’s mine and his secret. Oh and my friend Renee cause a girl can’t be a locked vault all the time (slash I’m never a locked vault, hence this blog).

The guy in a band

He doesn’t just play in a band for fun (but that is cool too, if that’s his thing), no, no, no. This guy was IN A BAND. He’s a professional musician, he plays in bands you’ve heard of. He tours worldwide with bands you’ve got on your iPod (or whichever portable music maker is your preference. This blog is sponsored by Apple*, so I have to adhere to their rules. But you can choose your own of course). I had at least two of their songs already downloaded and I’m notoriously uncool with music so I’m sure you have a few on your own “portable music device” (iPod. Apple rules) if you are even one iota cooler than me (so, definitely). He wore a cool but dorky shirt and I instantly fell in lust with him, dad bod and all.  And like all people who are comfortable with their less than perfect bodies, he was awesome in bed. The next day he checked in on my hangover, and two nights later he offered me cocaine and cigars. And then I never heard from him again.

The actual stand up lovely guy

The actual stand up lovely guy is just that – a blood lovely stand up guy. He’s a lawyer for the labor union (fighting for people’s rights! Intelligent! Doing something for society!). He was attentive, found me amazingly funny (because I am), open about his feelings, and could be counted on to follow up after every date to organize another. After our first date my friend Renee was sure we were to be married.  Buuuuuttt in the end, I dunno, I just wasn’t feeling it. I knew it was over when he text me a picture of a sunrise from the camping trip he was on (that I was also invited to) and I looked at it, put it away without replying and rolled over to say a hungover good morning to the dude in a band.

The one who never actually gets a date, AKA purple jacket

After taking a tinder hiatus for month, this guy presented himself as a very sweet way to get back into Tinder. Cute conversation and a specific request to take me on a date instead of “let’s hang out” or “we should grab a drink sometime”. A couple days after matching but with no set day for our date locked in, I was heading out to the movies with my friends when he text to ask what I was up to and to say that he was heading to the movies. You can see where this is going. To cut a long story short, there we both were, outside the cinema – my friends already inside because they thought I had bailed on them (classic Hannah move here in NYC apparently) and his friends turning up a literal 30 seconds after we said hi. It was all very awkward etc etc, made worse by the fact he was wearing a supremely teenage purple jacket. While he thought it made a cute first story and still wanted to hang out, I couldn’t get past the purple jacket. Which my friends have told me is fucking superficial. And it is. But turns out I’m more superficial than I thought. Just kidding. I’m as superficial as I’ve always been and I know it.

Extra points to anyone who can guess which three took me to trophy bar. 

*jks. This blog is not sponsored by Apple. Which you already knew.